contradictions

Apparently I am full of them.
I love men but do not want a relationship, and it's easy enough for me to find them here, but I continue to prey on the rotting corpses of past relationships.
I'm really afraid that I'm getting fat, but it doesn't change my eating or lack-of-exercising habits.
My best friend here is beginning to shift. I used to be really close with a girl who's very quiet and reserved, but it gets boring being around people like that all the time. I also don't appreciate being told what to do, or dragging people around when I'm drunk...it goes on. It seems I have found someone who is a little off the beaten path and more fun to be around for now. We'll see how that goes, but it's looking positive so far.
Relationships in general seem to be looking better these days, with the exception of me scaring people off with honesty. For something that is supposed to be the best policy, people sure don't like hearing it very often.
I should stop talking to people who I shouldn't talk to, and start calling my parents more often.
And work on my essay due on Tuesday.
I won't though.

hard to be soft, tough to be tender

To be honest, I haven't had much of a reason to write recently, and even know I should be doing something more productive with my time. Like studying for my midterm on Friday, or completing the assignment that is due tomorrow for a different class. Or starting my major papers.
I have mono and it makes me tired all of the time, except when I should be sleeping. Yet another way my body chooses to fuck me over on a regular basis. And speaking of fucking, I lost my virginity to a sixteen year old, and in return he stuck me with this mutated form of the herpes virus.
I have a habit of lying about the grades that I get on papers, and whether I hand assignments in or not. The more I lie, the more I begin to believe the things that I am saying. Maybe if I applied the same principle to things like being happy with my life or being attractive or having self-control, the same thing would happen.
I feel like I am gaining weight. I have lost fifteen pounds since I entered this institution, and frankly I would like to lose about twenty or so more. Unfortunately cake and cheese are having their way with me in my weakened mental state.
I have the overwhelming feeling that the entire world hates me for reasons that I will never understand.
I think too much. Except about my writing which is full of holes.
"I'll do better on the next one"

the music

Tomorrow is the day when I have to face the finality of my words and my actions.
If I am so sure of myself, then why am I so afraid?
The concert that I was supposed to play in tonight has been cancelled, and I have the next 36 hours of my life to waste away at my discretion.
Lots of offers of things to do and places to go, but I would rather stay home and read.

I have to stop spending money.

settlement

Today I realized that the closest thing that I have ever had to a meaningful relationship outside of my family is crumbling underneath me. It is understandable that we are very different people than we were four years ago, or even four months ago. I do find it sad that we cannot talk, and that we always bicker, and that we're disgustingly dependant on each other. I hate that we never go out and when we do he's on the phone with someone else half of the time, and that he's depressed and not dealing with it, and that I have to pick up his pieces. I'm tired of putting myself second to someone who doesn't care for me the way I do for them.
So I stop caring.

I'm still tired.

openings

I love my job
Because right now, it is the only place where I feel even remotely adequate.

Gray Ham

One thing that I have noticed recently is that if I haven't heard from someone in awhile who I usually speak to daily, I find myself focusing on every negative part of their personality. I've been listening to a lot of Rilo Kiley lately, specifically their Debbie Downer-esque earlier work. That and a whole lot of Paul Simon.
Hanging out with friends that are seperate from my usual crowd is proving itself to be a useful endeavour. I hope tomorrow goes well.
I miss him.
"Sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier, and lonelier, and lonelier...."

horoscope

"Keep your heart locked away today".

Perhaps I should take this into consideration today, especially because the rekindling of toxic relationships has led to nothing but grief for me so far this week. If anyone really knew what was going on, they would suggest that I have a compulsion. I know that. The question is, a compulsion to do what, exactly?
I send a lot of useless text messages, things that people don't really want to read. If text messages involved face-to-face social interaction, I think I would use more discretion.
What is the difference between dealing with someone who is drunk and someone who is not? Why is it that people would rather interact with me while I am intoxicated?
If i were drunk all of the time, would more people like me?
Why won't my mother stop folding my laundry?

"Keep your heart locked away today, as your peers may view your emotions as reckless outbursts".
Good call.

LW 101

I am an eighteen year old girl. I am lonely, I am sad, and I am tired of being used.
This makes me like every other eighteen year old girl,
and it makes me resent myself.

That's not to say I dont have good times, but as for my days, I spend them waiting. Waiting on a phone call, a text message, a sign from something, the hours to change. Good things come to those who wait, so where are my good things?

I have made myself lonely, I think that I will always be sad, and I allow myself to be used.
This makes me like every other eighteen year old girl,
and maybe it's something I have to accept.