the music

Tomorrow is the day when I have to face the finality of my words and my actions.
If I am so sure of myself, then why am I so afraid?
The concert that I was supposed to play in tonight has been cancelled, and I have the next 36 hours of my life to waste away at my discretion.
Lots of offers of things to do and places to go, but I would rather stay home and read.

I have to stop spending money.

settlement

Today I realized that the closest thing that I have ever had to a meaningful relationship outside of my family is crumbling underneath me. It is understandable that we are very different people than we were four years ago, or even four months ago. I do find it sad that we cannot talk, and that we always bicker, and that we're disgustingly dependant on each other. I hate that we never go out and when we do he's on the phone with someone else half of the time, and that he's depressed and not dealing with it, and that I have to pick up his pieces. I'm tired of putting myself second to someone who doesn't care for me the way I do for them.
So I stop caring.

I'm still tired.

openings

I love my job
Because right now, it is the only place where I feel even remotely adequate.

Gray Ham

One thing that I have noticed recently is that if I haven't heard from someone in awhile who I usually speak to daily, I find myself focusing on every negative part of their personality. I've been listening to a lot of Rilo Kiley lately, specifically their Debbie Downer-esque earlier work. That and a whole lot of Paul Simon.
Hanging out with friends that are seperate from my usual crowd is proving itself to be a useful endeavour. I hope tomorrow goes well.
I miss him.
"Sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier, and lonelier, and lonelier...."

horoscope

"Keep your heart locked away today".

Perhaps I should take this into consideration today, especially because the rekindling of toxic relationships has led to nothing but grief for me so far this week. If anyone really knew what was going on, they would suggest that I have a compulsion. I know that. The question is, a compulsion to do what, exactly?
I send a lot of useless text messages, things that people don't really want to read. If text messages involved face-to-face social interaction, I think I would use more discretion.
What is the difference between dealing with someone who is drunk and someone who is not? Why is it that people would rather interact with me while I am intoxicated?
If i were drunk all of the time, would more people like me?
Why won't my mother stop folding my laundry?

"Keep your heart locked away today, as your peers may view your emotions as reckless outbursts".
Good call.

LW 101

I am an eighteen year old girl. I am lonely, I am sad, and I am tired of being used.
This makes me like every other eighteen year old girl,
and it makes me resent myself.

That's not to say I dont have good times, but as for my days, I spend them waiting. Waiting on a phone call, a text message, a sign from something, the hours to change. Good things come to those who wait, so where are my good things?

I have made myself lonely, I think that I will always be sad, and I allow myself to be used.
This makes me like every other eighteen year old girl,
and maybe it's something I have to accept.